19 May 2007
CAPTAIN DREW’S SECRET ISLAND LAIR – Captain Drew today introduced rPhone™, combining three delightfully diverse products into one awkward and cumbersome handheld contraption — a revolutionary steam-powered satellite phone, a stylish French musicbox, and a vibrasonic multi-purpose tool that is almost, but not quite, entirely unlike a Sonic Screwdriver. rPhone™ reintroduces a user interface that was almost lost to the shifting sands of time: the rotary dial. Paired with this intuitive interface is a tiny (yet powerful) steam engine which allows users to thrill to the sound of whirring gears and hissing pressure relief valves. rPhone™ hearkens back to an era where sensible construction meant good value, and the rPhone™ is nothing if not sensible. For a peek at the new rPhone™ commercial and a tour of the rPhone’s features visit the official website at: piratepalooza.com/rphone
rPhone™ is an industrial revolutionary product that is literally five pounds heavier than any other mobile phone, said Captain Drew, PiratePalooza’s visionary CEO. “We are all born, those of us who are real pirates, with the ultimate pointing device… except for “Shorty” McSeverenson, who all the wenches love despite his… shall we say “shortcomings” and ummm, what was the question again?”
rPhone™ will be available in the Colonies beginning in late Q3:2007 (around the time of Captain Drew’s annual pubcrawl) in a 4-stroke model for $49,999 (doubloons) and an 8-stroke model for $99,999 (doubloons), and will work the same on either a PC or Mac… which is to say that it won’t work at all on either of them on account of we don’t know what the bloody hell we’re doing with these blinky boxes of lights.
Several rPhone™ accessories will be announced during the summer, including Captain Drew’s remarkably effective Corset Remover.
rPhone™ does not use terrestrial-based carriers, as Captain Drew has struck a deal with the Galacticaband Funnk Corporation of Tersa Majoris. No more dropped calls with Galactic GSM Giga-band!
iPhone cares not a whit for a Mac with a USB 2.0 port, Mac OS X v10.4.8 or later and iTunes 7; or a stupid old Windows PC with a USB 2.0 port, Windows 2000 (Service Pack 4), Windows XP Home or Professional (Service Pack 2) or the Bill Gates Ate My Wallet And All I Got Was This Lousy Fake “Signed” Box Edition of Vista (our favorite). Computers! Who needs ’em? Internet access is a sign of weakness, a broadband connection doubly so. Captain Drew and Galactiband Funnk will announce service plans for rPhone™ before it begins shipping.