27 Apr 2008
Knightriders
People are always telling your old pal Captain Drew that I don’t always understand what’s happening around me… that I have a very loose grasp on reality, which is of course a fat load of old cobblers. For instance: earlier today I were explaining a movie about renaissance festivals to a lass what swore up and down and up and down that I “misintrumpeted the message” that I “misunderstooped the thrust” of the thing. Well of course I just slapped her on her sweet fanny and kept going, but then later I got to thinkin’ that perhaps I ought to put something here on me bog and see what you lubbers thought of it… you know, just to make sure I be on course. The movie be called “Knightriders” which were made by a feller named Georgio “Alpha” Romero. Be warned: this movie features nudity and lots of hardcore motorcycle jousting knights.
You read that right… motorcycle jousting knights.
Anyway.
There’s this feller what hangs out with a sexy, large-breasted actress Amy Ingersoll…. he be called “King Billy”. His real name be Ed Harris, who you probably done seen in such movies as Glengarry Glen Ross and Pollock and Radio.
Now, King Billy is what you calls a “proud but troubled idealist” what wants to remain pure to the code of knights…. that is, knights what jousts on motorcycles. I mean, who wouldn’t honor that? It be a time-honored tradition amongst all them knights…. you know, knights what jousts on motorcycles.
…and travel around rural Pennsylvania in beat-up trucks running shoddy roadside Renaissance Festivals…. featuring knights what jousts on motorcycles.
Fortunately, I loves me some bad Renaissance Festivals because they reminds me of the early Georgia Renaissance Festival which were hardly more than a bunch of card tables lined up together in the woods.
Oh the Majesty!
Surprisingly, this film warbles between orgiastic motorcycle-jousting and actual character development. Just as you reach for the remote to eject the disc it gets interesting… and just as you reach for the remote to turn up the volume it gets jousty.
My recommendation is to see this whilst making out with your favorite wench… pad the slow bits with heavy petting.
Hey, real quick, for anybody what’s seen this porkpie of a picture… tell me if the boothie in this scene looks like the late departed comedian Bobcat Goldthwait…. I swear I be thinkin’ it were him!
Okay, take a look at this still of a very fat and very poor Stephen King who chomps his way through an early scene in the movie. (A lot of you lubbers mightn’t know that King be a self-declared fan of knights what joust on motorcycles.)
I understand that Mr. King works at least one motorcycle jousting knight into every one of his books, and that the real reason he were injured a few years ago were entirely due to motorcycle jousting knights.
Want to see a picture of the best motorcycle jouster in the world?
That’s him!
This feller be called Mordred, though his real name be Tom Savini, a makeup artist what made his fame by fashioning terrible scary masks and such for movies… which be pretty sad because his acting be fairly first rate in this movie…. you know, this movie about knights what jousts on motorcycles.
It’s this space pirate’s honest opinion that Mr. Savini should’ve thrown his special effects makeup kit into the river and worked on a career as an actor… I mean, he’s not bad.. and look how happy he looks as an actor!!
Somewhere mixed into this movie there was this feller named Alan, what were King Billy’s champion (played by Gary Lahti). While he looks awful familiar, the IMDb says he stopped making pictures back in 1995, which is just as well because he were obviously not cut out for the business. Look how irritated he be by this poster of Shaun Cassidy‘s flyaway hair (nearly about the same as I were by Parker Stevenson’s Disappearing Wizard).
I thinks that poster with the Hardy Boy irked Mr. Lahti on account of his own flyaway hair constantly being flattened by his motorcycle helmet ( a helmet what be customized to look like a motorcycle jousting knight’s helmet.)
The best I can figure it, everything what happens in this looong movie be due to this old feller what calls himself “Merlin” played by a storyteller named Brother Blue. All the way through the picture Merlin looks as if he done swallowed a vassal-sized helping of Moorish Poppyseeds, which is certainly the best way to spend your life amongst a traveling band of idiots what think they be knights… knights what jousts on motorcycles.
Yeah, yeah, “Hi” yourself Merlin – you strange butterfly dude. I think you were out to get King Billy through the whole picture, you bastard!
So, in conclusion, I really have no idea what this movie actually be about. If you want a better, more thorough review I figure you ought to check with IMDb. However, if you like motorcycles, or boobs, or jousting, or motorcycles, or motorcycles, or motorcycles, this movie is for you!
Or motorcycles.
It will not, however, alleviate any aversion you might have for Renaissance Faires.
Sorry, you be on your own there matey.
(Or motorcycles.)
