1 Apr 2009
Captain Drew to Take Over GARF!!
BREAKING NEWS – Captain Drew is holding a press conference at PiratePalooza’s corporate headquarters where he will apparently be revealing plans for a hostile takeover of the Georgia Renaissance Festival. Updates provided below in real time, just hit refresh to follow along…
7:25PM
They’re playing Coldplay over the loudspeaker system… large crowd of people… everyone seems to be in a good mood!!
7:26PM
Oh.
The chatty/happy people were leaving work for the day.
7:27PM
We’re the only ones here now.
7:28PM
We’ve been ushered into another room by one of the Captain’s crew.
7:29PM
We’re in a bathroom.
7:30PM
The press conference has started. The Captain is explaining his overall strategy to the large group (three) of assembled reporters (janitors) gathered around his podium (toilet stall).
7:31PM
The plan, as we understand it, is three-pronged.
7:32PM
Prong One of the plan, called “Video Prong”, involves the installation of a classic video arcade called “Captain Drew’s Poopdeck of Adventure” which will feature games which generally fit the theme of a Renaissance Faire.
7:34PM
An early list of these games has been quietly distributed to the largely spanish-speaking crowd of reporters (from underneath the wall of the Captain’s stall).
7:37PM
We’ve managed to get a copy of that handwritten list… as the guy in front of us called it “basura” and put it into a waste receptacle.
7:38PM
We have the list…
1. Joust
2. Double Dragon
3. Golden Axe
4. Gauntlet
5. Wizard of Wor
6. Anything with that Burgertime guy in it.
7. Bakuretsu Crash Race
8. Frogger
9. That game with a wizard guy drawn on the side of the box. You know the one.
10. Stargate Defender
11. Dragon’s Lair
12. Ms. Pac-Man (she’s hot!)
7:45PM
Prong Two of the plan will be called “Sneaky Time”… it’s to be a ‘whisper campaign’.
7:46PM
“Sneaky Time” will enlist the aid all of the Captain’s crew, pirates with whom he has good relations, women with “freely accessible breasts”, and anyone “generally inclined to questionable activities” to walk around the grounds of the Georgia Renaissance Festival and announce in a loud (but innocent) tone of voice: “Oh say Sally, Sally my dear, have you heard that Captain Drew now *owns* New Castle Town and has the finest toilets in all the land?”
7:48PM
The Captain is suggesting acceptable responses to this propaganda-esque set-up line….
“Oh well, YES I *have* and I think it quite marvelous indeed!”
“Forsooth, such great grand news I have not heard in a quibble’s froth!”
“Do thou sayest it verily and fo real?”
and,
“Who’s making the stever jobs NOW matey???”
“Would you please hand me some toilet paper, I seem to have ended this roll.”
7:49PM
Scratch those last two. 🙁
7:52PM
Prong Three of the plan is called “Bombs Away!”, and will involve the intentional and devastating sabotage of the park’s “most popular ride, namely: the toilets.”
The toilets??
7:54PM
At a predetermined time of the Captain’s choosing (4 o’clock), his crew will methodically begin blocking each and every one of the festival’s portable toilets with a largely indigestible chunk of Ye Olde Friede Cheese Logge from the food court.
7:55PM
The Captain has interrupted his own press conference to request that an assistant help him remember never to eat another chunk of an Ye Olde Friede Cheese Logge.
7:56PM
Press conference resumed. While blocking the toilets, the Captain’s men will simultaneously distribute broadsides which direct patrons to “Captain Drew’s Poopdeck of Adventure” where it will be revealed that the classic video game cabinets also contain chemical toilets, which may be used for $5 “a game”.
7:57PM
We get to ask a question: “How does this help you to take over the Georgia Renaissance Festival?”
7:58PM
Flush.
7:59PM
The press conference has just started breaking up, they’re playing Coldplay and the Captain has emerged and is refusing to answer questions from the assembled reporters, who are already spraying him with cleaning products. More on this story as is warranted (which, let’s face it, isn’t very likely).
