20 Apr 2017
A gaggle of unsuspecting minstrels were swallowed up by the earth this past Sunday when a section of the Royal High Road in New Castle buckled due to a previously undetected tunnel, reported the Royal Guard.
Captain Drew, spokespirate for the Royal Alliance of Space Pirates (R.A.S.P.), responded via telex that his organization was “totally not involved in this unfortunate tunnel collapse” and that “the tunnel had not even been finished yet” and that “peepholes had not even been drilled in the wenches changing room” and that he would provide more information “at some point in the far-flung future” .
The gaping trench in the Royal High Road is located “on that dirty, gravelly patch that runs up a hill, over thataway” explained village inventor, Gunther Tinkerson, waving his arm in a sweeping arc.
“And they weren’t actually all that good if you asked me,” confided a man who only identified himself as a high-ranking naval officer, stepping in to take over the interview, nudging Tinkerson into the yawning abyss and explaining that “Several fried-cat-on-a-stick booths were shut down Monday afternoon as crews worked to fill in the collapsed tunnel, a makeshift shrine (pile) of half-price beef jerky marking the spot where the minstrels were last seen alive.”
The New Castle Department of Transportation estimated that the repair project could take up to 24 weeks. By Tuesday morning, officials announced that it would in fact take 73 weeks and that residents should plan their trips ahead of time and expect to encounter long waits at the air-conditioned loos.
A haughty woman wearing a purple dress and a big metal hat refused to comment directly on the loss of so many minstrels, saying only that a recently announced VIP concert on the upper floor of the Drunk Monk Pub had been postponed indefinitely.