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Renaissance Festivals Prepare for Onslaught of Starbucks Cup Wielding Nerds

Georgia Renaissance Festival Starbucks

Concern began to quietly spread throughout America’s burgeoning Renaissance Festival network on Monday, following the latest revelation that a Starbucks cup had been spotted during a celebration scene in the latest episode of HBO’s immensely popular sword and sorcery series Game of Thrones.

National Renaissance Festival Experts are concerned that hundreds of be-caffeinated playtrons may soon descend upon active faires across the country this weekend, waving Starbucks’ iconic (and deliciously anachronistic) white and green paper cups over their heads, bursting with pride at their own cleverness.

While special kingdom security measures (such as pat downs by caffeine-sniffing off-duty officers) have been actively suggested as a means of preventing this anachronistic invasion of 21st century paper goods, these measures have only been suggested by a “fringe renaissance festival element”, which also promotes crazy ideas like a renaissance festival rollercoasters and secret underground arcades at pubs.

To get ahead of this story we arranged a lunchtime interview with one of these well known fringe miscreants from the Atlanta area.

As our crew was being seated outside the restaurant a masked man with a paunch began shouting from across the street “Hey Charlie, you got five bucks?” while waving an all too familiar white and green cup over his own head and pointing at it madly.

The man (dressed largely in shades of tan) lurched across the street and clambered over the railing surrounding the dining area to join us at our table.  After an unusually confusing five minute discussion the man was made to understood that our publication has a policy of never paying for interviews, at which point he winked broadly and suggested that we instead make a donation to his “Campaign for King” fund, rattling that same dingy Starbucks cup under our noses and repeatedly crooning “Abandon All Hope!”.

Captain Drew actually believes he is running for King.

Twenty five cents later this Candidate for King confirmed that YES he is aware of a large contingent of playtrons committed to bringing 300 Starbucks cups into the Georgia Renaissance Festival this coming weekend, which will be themed “Dogs and Cats and Pirates Weekend”.

“I’ll be the one selling cups to them nerds just outside the gate,” the man elaborated, gesturing toward a large box marked “Property of Starbucks” propped against a light post across the street.

He then launched into us a rambling story about a failed career as a Renaissance Festival Inspector, muttering “Who knew you had to inspect the ROOF???” before suggesting that we needed to speak to his supervisor, a man named “Chef Randy” of the award-winning Peacock Tea Room.

We dropped another quarter into the man’s cup before wishing him a good day and pushing him away from our table.

“Hey at least it ain’t that Dilly Dilly bullshit!!!!” the masked pirate bellowed over his shoulder as he began prying one of the railings loose.

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