New DirtBlocke™ product is set to revolutionize a weird Medieval fetish

On Tuesday morning the old space pirate known as Captain Drew made an unscheduled presentation to the joint House and Senate budget hearings for the 155th Georgia General Assembly to request funding for a “new brand of sunblock made exclusively for rennies” this product is apparently slated to go on sale from the trunk of his car later this year at the Georgia Renaissance Festival in Fairburn, Georgia.

Even as he was being dragged from the chamber by the Governor’s security detail the Captain tossed hundreds of investment fliers into the air. Provided below is the text from one of those handbills, in the event you might like to invest.

Captain Drew’s Patented DirtBlocke

Do you reside on a planetary body trapped in the gravity well of a G-type star, suffering from constant exposure to radiation? Are you constantly expending resources on fragrant ointments, balms and unguents meant to prevent premature aging due to the ravages of energetic sub-atomic particles? If you answered “yes” to any of these questions you might just be an Earthling in need of a radical new sunblock.

Hi, I’m Captain Drew, space pirate, inventor of the rPhone™, creator of the rPlank™, and future king of the Georgia Renaissance Festicle. Allow me to introduce you to my latest gift to the planet Earth: Dirt, the best sunblock never invented.

Dirt, as any good geologist will tell you, is pretty complicated stuff. In fact “dirt” is just a slang term used to describe Earth’s regolith, which is just a fancy space-word we space pirates use to describe all the loose crap piled on top of the solid rocky outer shell of most planets – the ones that aren’t made entirely of gas or covered entirely by oceans or frozen completely solid or completely writhing with enormous tentacles.

Take your planet for instance.

On Earth, the thin topmost layer of your regolith is referred to as “top soil” because it is ON TOP of all the other stuff. And this is the stuff that is going to make my investors rich!

I call it DirtBlocke™.

Here are 17 scientific reasons that DirtBlocke™ is the best product for avoiding radiation burns!

Super Effective UV-A/UV-B Blocker

Unlike many lotions or spray-ons, DirtBlocke™ provides a mineralogical barrier to ultraviolet radiation. I guarantee (in concept, not in any sort of actual legal indemnity of any fashion) that you are unlikely to experience radiation burns from the local star if you use enough DirtBlocke™.

Gluten-Free*

There are zero glutens in DirtBlocke™! You can apply my product to your entire body with no ill effects. At least, none due to gluten.

Low Calorie / Sugar-Free

But wait, there’s more! DirtBlocke™ is super low-cal yet it is quite filling – just the thing to carry you over until suppertime without ruining your appetite or blowing your diet. Studies on what it may do to your digestive tract are still several years away.

Non-Toxic

DirtBlocke™ is super non-toxic! I mean, what could possibly be toxic about dirt, other than naturally occurring ground-based toxins like arsenic?

Historic

The ingredients for my product have been around for quite some time – millennia in fact, and may contain significant portions of actual history, predominantly things that decomposed in the general vicinity from where it was sourced. Every handful of DirtBlocke™ may hold a surprise – from dinosaur ears to Napoleon noses!

Reusable

If my sunblock washes away or rubs off for any reason you can refill it with ease! Simply bend down and scoop up a new handful! Some of my customers have been using the same jar for years. Still, for the best results you should purchase your refills from me – and as always, refills are FREE FOR LIFE, with a simple restocking fee of $15 per scoop.

Anti-Invisible

Unlike standard lotions or spray-on sunblocks which turn invisible after application (yet insist upon being reapplied every few hours), DirtBlocke™ is super easy to spot which makes re-application simpler: just look to see where it’s missing!

Organic

DirtBlocke™ is organic! It’s simply teeming with trillions of bacteria and viruses! But don’t worry: I won’t charge you for these “extras” because that’s the kind of guy I am!

Concentrated

DirtBlocke™ is perfect for people who like to stretch a dollar because it arrives pre-condensed! Simply add one cup of water to every cup of DirtBlocke™ and you’ll get my even-more-exclusive new product: MudBlocke™!!

Plastic Free

DirtBlocke™ has been around a long time before plastic – and in a world drowning in man-made petro-chemical by-products, isn’t it nice to turn to something created by the planet itself?

Wide Color Palette

Created by Earth’s own unique “entropic processes”, DirtBlocke™ is available in a wide variety of colors – whether you’re cocoa brown, golden bronze, or pasty pink, there’s a shade of DirtBlocke™ for you!

Non-Greasy

Do all those other radiation ointments leave you feeling greasy? DirtBlocke™ has none of those pesky lipids that refuse to dissolve in water, so you’ll feel just as dry and crackly after using it as you did before!

No Artificial Odors

Not everybody out there wants to smell like a pineapple or a coconut. Some people want to be left alone and simply enjoy protection from the glaring radioactive blast wave emitting from that nuclear furnace we call “the Sun”, boiling away into space nearly 93 million miles from the Earth. These people can rest assured that DirtBlocke™ is free from artificial scent. In practice however, most of the actual dirt that I use to produce DirtBlocke™ is quite smelly. To combat this lingering stench I would suggest that you consider using a product that I highly endorse: Axe Body Spray.

Self-Adhesive

DirtBlocke™ sticks easily to most surfaces without any sort of preparatory process. Simply dump it onto your head and begin rubbing it in.

Heat Resistant

Consumbers may rest assured that DirtBlocke™ can withstand extremely high temperature because it contains an unusually high volume of crushed stone as compared to competing radiation-blocking products. In extended tests no subject has ever burst into flame on their own.

It’s Everywhere!

DirtBlocke™ is literally ubiquitous – you can find it everywhere! Bend down and touch the ground around your feet and you’re more than likely touching my product! Now pay me!!

Affordable

I am giving this stuff away!!! That’s right, for the next 24 hours DirtBlocke™ is absolutely FREE!!! Go ahead and fill up your haversack with as much as you can carry – I won’t charge you a single groat!

But if you’d like to enjoy all the benefits of DirtBlocke™, you’ll need to purchase one of Captain Drew’s special DirtBlocke™ Jars for $15 (plus $25 dollars shipping).

These jars will be available in early May, so get your orders in today!!

Donate To My Research!

Oh, and for the record: I will be keeping any money you send me and you will not receive shares in any of my profits and you will be jealous when you see me on chat shows talking about how smart I am. Please contribute as much as possible, today!!!