A list of all posts from the category: Pirate News

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Captain Drew Turns Heat Rays to 11

Captain Drew turning the dial on his heat rays to 11.

In a fit of pique, Captain Drew ordered his crew to pummel the kingdom of Newcastle with his blistering heat cannons since they refused to surrender to his demand that Hollywood actress Jennifer Aniston moderate a debate between the Captain and King Henry Tudor to advance the Captain’s campaign for a non-existent election for the crown of that realm.

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Space Pirates Condemn Ted Cruz

Captain Drew of Space Pirates Condemns Ted Cruz

This evening The Association of Space Pirates of the Greater Magellanic Cloud and Associated Regions (“The Space Pirates”) released a statement to condemning allegations by Earth Senator Ted Cruz for “slandering our business practices” and “suggesting that we eat liver, blecch!!”.

The current King of the Space Pirates, Captain Drew, agreed to meet with one of our reporters on the condition that we buy him a plate full of hotdogs at the historic fast food restaurant The Varsity – a decision we would soon regret…

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Renaissance Festivals Prepare for Onslaught of Starbucks Cup Wielding Nerds

Georgia Renaissance Festival Starbucks

Concern began to quietly spread throughout America’s burgeoning Renaissance Festival network on Monday, following the latest revelation that a Starbucks cup had been spotted during a celebration scene in the latest episode of HBO’s immensely popular sword and sorcery series Game of Thrones.

National Renaissance Festival Experts are concerned that hundreds of be-caffeinated playtrons may soon descend upon active faires across the country this weekend, waving Starbucks’ iconic (and deliciously anachronistic) white and green paper cups over their heads, bursting with pride at their own cleverness.

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King Drew Fever Grips Newcastle

Abandon All Hope
Poster artwork by John Leake

Shortly after Noon on Saturday, April 14th, Captain Drew casually announced to a group of sea pirates gathered at the Tavern Upon the Hill in Newcastle that he had just decided to “run for King”. This was received with much more enthusiasm than his last plan to dig for treasure in a privy.

Captain Drew Declares Candidacy for King

The Captain named his longtime rival Billy Bones as his running mate, cementing Newcastle’s once-fractured Pirate Party into a formidable voting bloc.

The growing list of the Captain’s campaign promises include:

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Recommendation: Pirate History Podcast

Screenshot of the Pirate History Podcast's webpage.

Happy Talk Like a Pirate Day, m’hearties! With less than 5 days until the 13th Annual PiratePalooza™ Pubcrawl & Pubsing it might be a good idea start polishing up on your pirate history! However, if you’re like most sea devils these days you’re absolutely illiterate (which is why you have someone reading this article to you right now). Continue Reading


Atlanta Radio Theatre Company Releases Treasure Island (with your help)

The Atlanta Radio Theatre Company (ARTC) has announced a Kickstarter campaign for the production of their latest project “Treasure Island”.    ARTC has been entertaining audiences with their live radio-style performances since 1984 and can be seen performing to large crowds at many of the larger science fiction and fantasy conventions around Continue Reading


The Pyrates Royale To End Their Voyage?


UPDATE! Good news, the Pyrates Royale cannot be stopped. Ian O’Donnell reports that the Pyrates have been reincarnated and that you can get the latest information about them on their Pyrates Royale Reunion page on Facebook (click!)

Shocking news reached the ship tonight that the Pyrates Royale have announced they would be ending the voyage they first began in 1986.  Upon hearing the news Captain Drew issued the ship’s flags to be lowered to “one half thirds mast” and that extra rum rations be issued for himself until further notice.  Curiosity abounds around the ship, but all agree that the Pyrates Royale were Continue Reading


Captain Drew Identified as Culprit in 2014 Snowjam

Snowjam Press Conference

Republished with persimmons from The Associated Reuters News Press-type Agency

Beleaguered by mounting media scrutiny over the events leading to the monumental traffic nightmare resulting from this past Tuesday’s 2-inch snowfall, and facing harsh criticism from political rivals he will face in upcoming primary debates, Georgia Governor Nathan Deal announced at 9am this morning a surprise noon press conference in which he planned to “reveal the real culprit in this fiasco”. Continue Reading


Captain Drew is Coming to Town!

Captain Drew is Coming to Town, released by Rankin Bass in 1975

FOR IMMEDIATE RELEASE – “RumbleShorts” wrote in to let us know that back in July of this year the Adelaide Times reported the discovery of a working print of the long lost Pirate Christmas special “Captain Drew is Coming to Town”, produced by Rankin Bass. According to the article, which is in Australianese, the film reel had been wedged between a vat of “shipdip” and a large drum of “shipoil”. In truth, the article was nigh on to unintelligible, so we have not linked to it directly so as not to cause our readers undue confusion. Through a series of translators we understand that the delightfully animated film has been restored by an Australian Sheep Conglomerate and that it is set to air on Christmas eve in the more remote portions of that continental island of sheepherders. According to the Australian version of Wikipedia the story follows a young space pirate Captain Drew as he learns to loot and pillage small villages throughout Eastern Europe. Music by Bung Crosby. If you have additional information please forward it to us on Twitter @piratepalooza


Announcing PiratePalooza™ 2013

So pleased was I over the success of last week’s 8th Annual PiratePalooza™ Pubcrawl and Pubsing that I’m skipping my traditional unplanned press conference a few months before the event and am instead giving you an entire year to plan for the invasion of Decatarrrr on the 21st of Septembarrrr, 2013. Carve that date into your wooden leg, Jim m’lad, as you won’t want to miss this jolly good time. If you did somehow miss this year’s PiratePalooza™ (the original and official) take a gawp at more than 375 pirate-filled engravings of our sack of the sea port of Decatur ‘pon the Ponce – and if you values your hide you’ll be sure to join our Facebook page and read the Captain’s (b)Log leading up to the event! Now go and mend some sails or something. And by all means, spread the word.