After an exciting incident with scones and a wooden chair at the Royal Peacock Tea Room, and in an effort to decrease rail and bannister-related injuries, I recently assumed the position of INSPECTOR with the Bureau of Renaissance Festival Inspections and paid a visit upon the Georgia Renaissance Festival and am pleased to announce that Continue Reading
So Jim m’lad, it’s time for us to put on our big lad pants and have a frank discussion about your plans for getting home after the Palooza… you know, without killing yourself in a drunken haze on some lonesome highway. You see, trouble is, there really aren’t too many lonesome highways in the lands arrayed about Decatarrr…. there be only busy roads filled with Happy Shiny People… you know, Mommies and Daddies hurrying home with their burbling babies strapped safely into their car seats; Tubby yellow school buses filled with wee little booger-eatin’ knee-biters eager to hug their family goats when they land safe at home; Lovin’ grandparents filled with stories of their family’s checkered history, eager to share it with their grandsquirts; Dear family friends who’d charge through hurricanes to be at your side.
Please don’t be the one to take away even one of those precious lights.
Solutions for Sailing Home Safely
- Get a Room : The Holiday Inn Express is only a block away from the parade route. Watch my PiratePalooza™ movies in your room while you sober up. Maybe you’ll score with that little hottie what’s had her eye on you all night… you know, after you sober up.
- Designated Driver : surely someone loves you enough to stay sober and get you home in one piece? Let them.
- Hire a Car!
Uber: “Always the ride you want” www.uber.com
Lyft: “Rides in minutes” www.lyft.com
Decatur Taxi Service: (770) 847-8027
- Be a Designated Drunk-Spotter : Be on the lookout for drunks who may be leaving alone. Stop them. Help find a safe way of getting them home and save a life tonight, Elton. Click on the badge below for a larger version that you can cut out and pin to your shirt so we’ll know to salute you at the pubsing!
- Don’t Use Mayberry Logic : No Barney, it doesn’t matter how much coffee you drink… it’s not going to sober you up. That alcohol has to be processed by your liver and other interior organettas. If you’ve been drinking at a moderate rate simply switch to water or sodas a couple of hours before you plan to leave. Note that some of these bars and restaurants serve “high gravity” beers which are more powerful than your normal pint. One of them is enough to push you into the territory of legal intoxication, so be sure to ask your bartender the alcohol content of the ale you’re sipping
This be the single-most serious decision of the night ladies and gentle-pirates…. please make the right one.
Don’t drive drunk.
The success of a gussied-together event like this is How You Work Together As a Crew. Don’t do it for me, do it for each other. And for those Happy Shiny People out there on the roadways.
Make me proud:
Would you designated drivers and designated drunk-spotters please leave a comment below givin’ your pledge to help make sure that nobody leaves the Palooza unshepherded? Bless ya~
Okay, group hug.
It’s easy to order a beer and even easier to order another. Each subsequent beer order becomes as effortless as handing over a sufficient amount of the land’s coinage to appease the tavern master. It’s easy!! It’s easy to get behind the wheel and crank up your combustion engine powered carriage and pull onto the king’s highway. It’s easy to believe that you can steer your powerful locomotion back to your home port without encountering another vessel. It’s easy to be wrong. Again this year I ask for everyone to use forethought before the Palooza. If you come with the plan to drink until you fall over, please plan to bring another steersman who can pilot your vessel for you. At the Palooza pay attention to people who should take a spell away from the grog, ask them how they plan to sail home. The Holiday Inn Select is a simple stroll, scant minutes from the pubcrawl route. Compare the cost of innocent lives to the cost of a room at this conveniently placed inn. It’s easy.
No Admission Fees!!!! That’s right, there’s no fee for admission to PiratePalooza and to the best o’ Captain Drew’s knowledge there’s no cover charge of any sort at any of our ports o’ call! (however we’ll be lookin’ into it)
Well here we be in our final few days before the Palooza and cannonballs o’ schedulin’ nightmares be a-flyin’ hot and cold round and about our melons. This here Palooza started as just a twinkle and a dream and a tinkle and your old pirate pal Captain Drew feels that it be important to remind you lot that this here event doesn’t have a crew of helpful lads and wenches to point you to parkin’ spots or bars or squat holes, so we have to ask you lot to help us take charge and watch fer rogue pirates and (shiver me timbers) ninjas. Toward that end here are a few things you can do to help us and yourselves in the process…
- Drinking and Driving is not allowed and we in fact demand that you plan for how you plan to escape the Palooza. We’ll be remindin’ you lot of this fact throughout the Palooza and askin’ that you help watch for pirates what don’t need to be drivin’ away. The life you save might be Captain Drew’s and he surely do appreciate it. As we have no funding we can’t afford to pay for cab rides but we can surely keep people from driving away full o’ that old Janx Spirit. Belgium man.
- Peach Tying (more commonly known as Peace Tying since that was in fact a misspelling) is very important for anyone who wishes to show up with their cutlasses, rapiers or other bladed instruments of battle. The Decatarrrr Police would be very keen to keelhaul any o’ you pirates what be brandishin’ yer blades in public. Peace tying is when you take a couple o’ them plastic wire tie thingys and tie the hilt, guard or pommel of yer blade to your scabbard. Same great look with a decreased likelihood o’ accidental puncture wounds. Everybody wins. Be sure to keep a lookout for those what haven’t heard about the rule and be prepared for the Po-Po to escort you away from the Palooza if you insist on flaunting this rule. Yes, ’tis like that I’m afraid.
- Public Drunkeness is hard to discourage with pirates, but let’s see if we can’t keep the rowdy factor down to a manageable roar. The establishments we be visitin’ have every right to toss the lot of us out on our ears for the misdeeds of a few clods so ’tis in your best interest to watch for the lads what have had too much.
- Public Nudity. Notice that I’ve conveniently forgotten to comment on this one. What a scamp I be….
- Busking is an age-old practice whereby the audience (you lot) give trinkets and monetary tokens of appreciation to the performers what be singin’ and entertainin’ surly dogs such as yourselves.
- Costumes are EXPECTED. If you be showin’ up without your pirate gear you’ll be a sad little preppie indeed. Take Captain Drew’s advice and hit a Party City or at the very least a drug store for an eyepatch.
- Parking is going to be a challenge the later you arrive to the Palooza. For the townies there’ll not be any sort o’ discount for ridin’ the MARTA, but imagine the great stories you’ll have at work the next week when you tell about the looks you get from your fellow riders.