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Reef™ Brand Sandals = Secret Booze!

Built-in Church Key

I was flipping through my mail this morning, checking out a catalog from outdoor equipment dealer, when my eye fell on an advertisement for a pair of sandals. The thing that caught my eye was an inset photo of the bottom of the sandal with a small pile of bottlecaps arrayed beneath it. “By frisky dingo,” I swore under my breath,”it almost looks as if they’ve built a bottle opener into the bottom of that there sandal, matey.” But wait, it only gets BETTER.

So I clicked on over to’s website where lo and behold I discover that yes indeed, the models named Fanning and Fanning Supreme do indeed have a church key molded right into the bottom of the sole. How handy do that be? Wait, how smart do that be?

Dude #1: Hey dude, can you pop my beer for me?
Dude #2: Sure, bra, no problemo…
::Dude #2 takes beer bottle, holds it to his foot and pops the cap and hands it back to his “bra”::
Dude #1: Thanks dude, you are tremelo-extreme.
Dude #2: No sharks man, no sharks. Hey, some dog karfed all over your front yard, hope you don’t mind that I wiped my skids off on your ‘board brush before I came in. Dat coo?
::Dude #1 realizes it isn’t his upper lip that smells like poo::

Think about it man, there be spit and shit and who-knows-what on the ground and you want me to stick the business-end of my beer bottle down there? Why not just let me pee on the bottle and open it using my dog’s arse? Or maybe the lid of a biohazard container? I hear that those come in E Coli red and Salmonella yellow!

Sorry to harsh on your handiwork mates, no doubt it’s mondo popular with the hodaddy crowd but damn: that five second rule just don’t apply to the bottoms of shoes. Approved drinking vessels include: mugs, glasses, yards, go-go boots (with dancers attached), any part of a good woman (ANY part) and maybe sippy cups if your 5 year old doesn’t mind sharing.

But sharing the bottom of your sandal? You lads pop a Moorish pirate’s bottlecap off with your sandal-bottom and he’ll lop your head clean off clean-as-a-whistle mate! It just isn’t clean, religion or no.

Oh, and by all means don’t miss the sandal model what be named DRAM, which actually has a flask built into the sole, or as they put it (in all caps): POLYURETHANE ENCAPSULATED CANTEEN IN HEEL WITH SCREW CAP!!

Well done lads!
This be a killer real-world application for footwear: smuggling booze.

You fellas’ll be selling a bazillion of these things to indestructable college kids (and no doubt to high school kids whose parents have no idea what’s happening around them). I can see this making it into all sorts of football games, Jimmy Buffet concerts, math classes, church services and of course to me PiratePalooza. I’d be disappointed if it didn’t.

I’d even volunteer to wear a pair of them meself, but only if they be free and for the taking…. but don’t expect me to drink out of them. I’ll have to pour them into a woman first~


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