You be reading the post “PiratePalooza Offers New Classes”

Click HERE to return to the front page of the Captain's blog!

PiratePalooza Offers New Classes

Class Teaches How to Hijack Ships

Are you bored with life? Do your friends have all the fun? Are you feeling “left out” of all o’ them awesome standoffs with the Navies of your own homeworld? Well Jim m’lad, shake off them blues and sign up for Captain Drew’s new seminar series “Hijacking Ships and Taking Hostages for Fun and Profit”, coming to your town soon!

Famed space pirate Captain Drew and his esteemed colleagues (giants in their own right) will share valuable tips and time-tested techniques of acquiring previously-owned ships and leveraging their former crews for financial gain. Why stay stuck in the same backwaters you’ve been plying for years when you could really step out there and make a name for yourself?

In this lecture series you will learn:

“Shopping 101 : Finding a Ship to Suit Your Hijacking Needs”
Ships are like haypenny wenches; they’re cheap, they come in different sizes, they’re in terrible disrepair, they leak more than a bit, and some smell worse than others. More to the point, not every ship you run into is going to be the right one for you to raid and mercilessly enslave the crew of…. so be picky! Ask around. Find out if they have relatives in the Navy, or clean underclothes.

“Hostage Management Techniques : Shouting”
Hostages can be pesky, annoying beasties, which is why you need some ground rules for dealing with them. Mostly, they need shouting at… good and loud. Learn the industry’s Best Practices for shouting at prisoners, both living and not living, wet and dry.. and why one of the aforementioned choices may actually be ineffective.

“Safety First!”
Recent events have shown that people claiming to be pirates may look silly and ineffective when shot through the head by trained military marksmen, which is why this mini-series has been broken into three breakout sessions will include:

  • “Being Towed by the Navy: Pros and Cons”
  • “Defensible Positions” (or “Why Dinghies are Dumb”)
  • “Knowing When to Duck”

Remember: this is the year of pirates, ACT NOW!!!


Comments are closed.