In a surprise announcement that literally no one saw coming, Captain “King” Drew has declared that seashells will become the “New Money” of Newcastle.

Here’s what we know so far:

Early Friday morning Captain Drew was rescued from a portable toilet in the “France” section of the Georgia Renaissance Festival, where he had been trapped since Wednesday while preparing for a “fresh conference” with the citizens of Necastle.

Media sources around the village report that they were unaware of any planned speeches, and had not assigned any serf-reporters to attend the Captain’s event.

Rumors are swirling that a pirate is planning a travel trifecta on September 19th – he plans to go to 3 locations: GARF, PiratePalooza, and then to Tybee – ALL ON THE SAME DAY!!!

Today authorities with PiratePalooza announced that a character identifying as “Captain Rumpot” had been positively identified as a carrier of the RUMinyavirus, known more simply to pirate scientists as RUMMY-69.

New DirtBlocke™ product is set to revolutionize a weird Medieval fetish

On Tuesday morning the old space pirate known as Captain Drew made an unscheduled presentation to the joint House and Senate budget hearings for the 155th Georgia General Assembly to request funding for a “new brand of sunblock made exclusively for rennies” this product is apparently slated to go on sale from the trunk of his car later this year at the Georgia Renaissance Festival in Fairburn, Georgia.

Even as he was being dragged from the chamber by the Governor’s security detail the Captain tossed hundreds of investment fliers into the air. Provided below is the text from one of those handbills, in the event you might like to invest.

This evening The Association of Space Pirates of the Greater Magellanic Cloud and Associated Regions (“The Space Pirates”) released a statement to condemning allegations by Earth Senator Ted Cruz for “slandering our business practices” and “suggesting that we eat liver, blecch!!”.

The current King of the Space Pirates, Captain Drew, agreed to meet with one of our reporters on the condition that we buy him a plate full of hotdogs at the historic fast food restaurant The Varsity – a decision we would soon regret…

First of all, if you have half a brain you would know that you should never, ever, plan how to win a fight at your local Renaissance Festival. It’s just a bad idea all the way around, Charlie.

Besides all of the obvious reasons for a person to avoid getting into a fight at any Renaissance Festival (broken teeth, forfeiture of Renfest Patron license, court costs), there are other less obvious reasons.

We celebrated the 14th anniversary of PiratePalooza™ on Septembarrrr the 22nd of 2018. This be my account of that adventure, accompanied by photos by Karen Grayson. All of Karen’s photos are available in an album here. – Captain Drew

The pirates who made it ashore first were greeted by the unexpected sight of a new façade on Mr. Twain’s house of ale and billiards. So fresh was this new façade in fact that it was still under construction! We were all forced to slip into that old boozing ken by the side door.

To our surprise the big wall of windows facing toward downtown Decatarrrr was blocked by a wall of wooden planks, which made the place as dark as Continue Reading

This afternoon I was startled awake by GARF’s village postman, who chucked a package through an open window in my cabin. The package was addressed to me and appeared to be from the man what cooks tea atop the small mountain in that fictitious realm. Being that the role of “village postman” is also fictitious I was overcome by a sense of wariness, so I eyed the envelope for nigh about an hour before deciding to open it. What I found inside will SHOCK YOU Continue Reading

Tonight one of the most serious scandals in modern pirate haiku competition was witnessed on the beach at Tybee Island when a pirate identifying himself only as “Wade of the Jennies” challenged one of his smartest and good-looking viewers live-on-the-air to produce a proper haiku for which he would be rewarded with a special Continue Reading

Me mate Billy Bones should be arriving at Tybee Island any moment now, ready to host his 2nd Annual Grog-Off, a judged competition between grog aficionados to see who has made the tastiest concoction. As any sailor knows, the recipe for grog has changed down through the ages and from Continue Reading