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Newcastle Repels Fairhaven “Weather” Balloon

Around 2:30pm on Saturday, a large balloon filled with well-wishers from the Kingdom of Fairhaven drifted lazily over the seedy backside of Newcastle, alarming villagers and visitors alike since none of them should have been there during the off season. According to observers, Newcastle “successfully repelled the balloon” that Fairhaven described as being “dedicated to enjoyment of weather” and “really tasty chunks of fried chicken in a tangy yet sweet sauce” and mostly “impressing the ladies down at the canteen”.

The NVCB Springs to Life

According to unnamed sources inside the Kingdom, Newcastle’s rapid defense system was courtesy of the quick-thinking, yet wholly unwanted and embattled Newcastle Volunteer Cannon Brigade (The NVCB), which had previously put 14 holes in various structures around the property, including 3 different portable toilets occupied by the new king, Captain Majesty Kingston Drew.

“If I didn’t know no better I’d swear they’s trying to kill old Drew,” hollered Drew, from the bottom an odorous pit where he’d been trapped since the commencement of the NVCB defensive operation.

Stinky “Stink” Masterson

Eagle-eyed Stinky “Stink” Masterson was the first to notice the balloon as it glided quietly over the walls of the kingdom. Stink alerted his brother Hobarth, who quickly loaded one of his smaller cannons and aimed it in the direction of the invasion force, which was also the direction of the car park.

Hobarth Masterson

It estimated that somewhere between the 3rd and 17th volley that most of the property damage was inflicted upon nearly everything BUT the ballon, chiefly due to the sheer number of cannon balls that ended up in the rear of the Queen’s Ford Fandango.

Ford Fandango

The NVCB has been disbanded (yet again), pending the results of an investigation. No one from Fairhaven was injured in the balloon crash, but they were seriously aggrieved and will likely seek representation for an audience with the Queen regarding season tickets at some point this coming season.

UPDATE: The ballon was a complete loss. Seven of the passengers lost their tea cakes and one claims to have swallowed her prized porcelain teeth. The gondola, the size of three carriages, landed upon a service bridge, destroying it entirely. At this point, there has been no response from Fairhaven and Captain King Drew remains stuck in a hole.

This continues to be a breaking story.


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