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22 Mar 2023

The Lower Middle Late Saxon Muppet Spectacular

Posted by Captain Drew in GARF, Reviews.

I recently returned from a glorious 5-day stay at the Duchamp-Dubois Lower Middle Late Saxon Muppet Spectacular* in Riverdale, Georgia, in the soggy marsh in the woods just past the ramshackle train depot behind the Krispy Kreme. The directions are far too complicated to post here, but if you know about it you are a special boy.

That’s what my mom says, anyway.

Captain Kingston Drew at the Lower Middle Late Saxon Muppet Spectacular in Riverdale, Georgia.
Captain Kingston Drew at the Sexy Squish Spectacular in Riverdale, Georgia

My wanderings through the village of Saxony Saxaphrage ‘pon the Squish (Sexy Squish to those in the know) are documented in photographs in this blog post. I captured these images with my new motion picture attachment for the rPlank, and I claim all glory for these images, which I have discovered is not a particularly profitable retirement vehicle.

Still, mustn’t grumble.

As with Newcastle, down Fairburn way, I enjoyed discounted entry to the festivities. Walking backwards through the exit may be an old trick where I’m from, but the guards never suspected a thing. Here is a photo of those guards.

Guards at the Lower Middle Late Saxon Muppet Spectacular, in Riverdale, Georgia
Front Gate Guards at the Sexy Squish Spectacular, in Riverdale, Georgia

My first encounter with a performer happened when I spied a lost member of the Birdbrained Bards, nervously picking his way through a crowd. He was slightly depressed and profoundly intoxicated.

Birdbrained Bard at the Lower Middle Late Saxon Muppet Spectacular, in Riverdale, Georgia
Birdbrained Bard at the Sexy Squish Spectacular, in Riverdale, Georgia

The Toucan Triplets were performing up on a stage near the whiz rockets.

Toucan Triplets at the Lower Middle Late Saxon Muppet Spectacular, in Riverdale, Georgia
Toucan Triplets at the Sexy Squish Spectacular, in Riverdale, Georgia

They warmed up the crowd with a bawdy joke and a 15 minute description of their latest DVD, available for purchase immediately after the 15 minute description. I could not tell if the crowd was excited or enraged.

Confused audience at the Lower Middle Late Saxon Muppet Spectacular, in Riverdale, Georgia
Confused audience at the Sexy Squish Spectacular, in Riverdale, Georgia

Next, I met a pirate by the name of Tommy Hands.

Boy, and I though that Birdbrained Bard was drunk!!

Tommy Hands is the drunkest puppet pirate.
Tommy Hands at the Sexy Squish Spectacular, in Riverdale, Georgia

As I attempted to barter with a wench for a hamburger on a stick, I was assaulted by Eddie the Redbird, brandishing some sort of ethnic percussive.

He had one of them Upper Sheepland accents that nobody can figure out.

Eddie Redbird at the Lower Middle Late Saxon Muppet Spectacular, in Riverdale, Georgia
Eddie Redbird at the Sexy Squish Spectacular, in Riverdale, Georgia

I tried throwing my beer on him, which has always worked in the past, but his buddy “Steve the Bird” showed up brandishing a string-covered box on a stick. It almost looked like he knew how to use it, too.

Steve "The Bird" at the Lower Middle Late Saxon Muppet Spectacular, in Riverdale, Georgia
Steve “The Bird” at the Sexy Squish Spectacular, in Riverdale, Georgia

Of course I ran, wouldn’t you?

I snuck past a sleepy guard…

Ernest the sleepiest guard on duty.
Sleepy guard at the Sexy Squish Spectacular, in Riverdale, Georgia

…and ran across a field where Sir Birdlescombe was lining up…

Sir Birdlescombe is a skilled whatever he is. What is he?
Sir Birdlescombe at the Sexy Squish Spectacular, in Riverdale, Georgia

…to run sticks against young Sassy Groverton McStreet.

Sassy Groverton McStreet on his whatever that is.
Sassy Groverton McStreet astride his Birdbeast.

I made it into the guard room and switched into a disguise so that I could hide in plain sight until I could figure out how to get back to the tea room, on the back side of the Lower Middle Late Saxon Muppet Spectacular.

Captain Kingston Drew in disguise as a guard at the Lower Middle Late Saxon Muppet Spectacular, in Riverdale, Georgia
Captain Kingston Drew disguised as a guard at the Sexy Squish Spectacular, in Riverdale, Georgia

But my luck was running bad, as usual.

Bernard the Guard spotted me from across the jussling field and ran over to apprehend me.

Bernard the Guard charging Captain Drew.
Bernard the Guard at the Sexy Squish Spectacular, in Riverdale, Georgia

The Blue Queen seemed really nervous. She probably hasn’t met many celebrities of my standing.

The Blue Queen at the Lower Middle Late Saxon Muppet Spectacular in Riverdale, Georgia
The Blue Queen at the Sexy Squish Spectacular, in Riverdale, Georgia

Because she knows that I won the election back at Newcastle and am the new King over there.

They still threw me out, but golly I had such a good time at the Lower Middle Late Saxon Muppet Spectacular.

And I ate some cookies.

But that’s another story.

If there is any interest I will post a review of the Pigeon Coffee Hut in a future blog post.

Until then,

I am as always,

Your pal,

Captain Drew

* This event may not exist in your universe. Any conflicts with existing Muppet Spectaculars should defer to the legal precedents of your reality, and Captain Kingston Drew should not be held liable as he does not even fully exist in any particular universe.

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