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In a surprise announcement that literally no one saw coming, Captain “King” Drew has declared that seashells will become the “New Money” of Newcastle.

Here’s what we know so far:

Early Friday morning Captain Drew was rescued from a portable toilet in the “France” section of the Georgia Renaissance Festival, where he had been trapped since Wednesday while preparing for a “fresh conference” with the citizens of Necastle.

Media sources around the village report that they were unaware of any planned speeches, and had not assigned any serf-reporters to attend the Captain’s event.

I recently returned from a glorious 5-day stay at the Duchamp-Dubois Lower Middle Late Saxon Muppet Spectacular* in Riverdale, Georgia, in the soggy marsh in the woods just past the ramshackle train depot behind the Krispy Kreme. The directions are far too complicated to post here, but if you know about it you are a special boy.

That’s what my mom says, anyway.

My wanderings through the village of Saxony Saxaphrage ‘pon the Squish (Sexy Squish to those in the know) are documented in photographs in this blog post. I captured these images with my new motion picture attachment for the rPlank, and I claim all glory for these images, which I have discovered is not a particularly profitable retirement vehicle.

Still, mustn’t grumble.

PiratePalooza TV can now confidently report that the Georgia Renaissance Festival (GARF) will replace its wildly popular joust with the world’s largest Renaissance wave pool.

At more than 1.5 acres, this new venue will be named the Dragoon Lagoon – easily stealing the crown from the Great Golly Wash at the Upper Mid-Kansas Enlightenment Faire.

Classic European Construction

The design and manufacture of this beach resort was awarded to the firm of Erlatz Fink, the same group responsible for the Georgia faire’s controversial roller coaster, The Consort Express.

According to our sources, the signature red Georgia clay comprising the current jousting grounds is already being covered with fine beach sand imported from lower Alabama, like many of the festival’s patrons.

In a fit of pique, Captain Drew ordered his crew to pummel the kingdom of Newcastle with his blistering heat cannons since they refused to surrender to his demand that Hollywood actress Jennifer Aniston moderate a debate between the Captain and King Henry Tudor to advance the Captain’s campaign for a non-existent election for the crown of that realm.

Concern began to quietly spread throughout America’s burgeoning Renaissance Festival network on Monday, following the latest revelation that a Starbucks cup had been spotted during a celebration scene in the latest episode of HBO’s immensely popular sword and sorcery series Game of Thrones.

National Renaissance Festival Experts are concerned that hundreds of be-caffeinated playtrons may soon descend upon active faires across the country this weekend, waving Starbucks’ iconic (and deliciously anachronistic) white and green paper cups over their heads, bursting with pride at their own cleverness.

Shortly after Noon on Saturday, April 14th, Captain Drew casually announced to a group of sea pirates gathered at the Tavern Upon the Hill in Newcastle that he had just decided to “run for King”. This was received with much more enthusiasm than his last plan to dig for treasure in a privy.

The Captain named his longtime rival Billy Bones as his running mate, cementing Newcastle’s once-fractured Pirate Party into a formidable voting bloc.

The growing list of the Captain’s campaign promises include:

With scant few days left before the 2018 Pirate Weekend at the Georgia Renaissance Festival I felt it important to let everybody know that I have successfully infiltrated Newcastle’s web engine, stored behind the arcade located beneath the Drunk Monk Tavern. With the power of this 1990s technology I have reprogrammed the Continue Reading

With only a few days left before this weekend’s opening day at the Georgia Renaissance Festival we have breaking news of a new attraction which is rumored for installment at the park: an honest to gosh rollercoaster!! The concept photograph accompanying this article shows a modern pipeline style coaster painted red and yellow, the colors most often used for roller coasters during the reign of Henry Continue Reading

There’s an unofficial tradition among the cast at the Georgia Renaissance Festival that Memorial Day is observed as a “prank day” for tweaking costumes, characters, storylines, and songs ever so slightly as to entertain each other in order to survive the final leg of a brutal 3-day run. These minor alterations usually go unnoticed by patrons of the festival, but they provide the cast with tremendous entertainment, a welcome distraction from the scorching heat, dusty streets, and occasional deluge and lightning storm.  In my opinion the undisputed “winner” of GARF’s 2017 Prank Day was Estaban Diego de Castille who showed up as Continue Reading

This past Saturday was the first of a 2-day pirate invasion of the Georgia Renaissance Festival, and I must admit that I had a great time wandering around the old place again. We started the day at the front door where some lady in purple yelled at everybody a long time before letting us all in.  I think she did that as a distraction so we didn’t notice all them boobs everywhere, but man I noticed.  After the lady finished yelling at us they opened the door so we could get in and once Continue Reading