8 Apr 2023
King Drew Declares Seashells “New Money”
In a surprise announcement that literally no one saw coming, Captain “King” Drew has declared that seashells will become the “New Money” of Newcastle.
Here’s what we know so far:
Early Friday morning Captain Drew was rescued from a portable toilet in the “France” section of the Georgia Renaissance Festival, where he had been trapped since Wednesday while preparing for a “fresh conference” with the citizens of Necastle.
Media sources around the village report that they were unaware of any planned speeches, and had not assigned any serf-reporters to attend the Captain’s event.
Iva Bigboddy of The Peacock Times stopped attending the Captain’s events after losing a toe during the introduction of the Captain’s failed Mini-Axe Golf course several years ago.
Hortence McMickerson of The Courtesan Courier reports that no one was upstairs in the hay loft with her between 9am to 11:30am doing “tickle stuff” and “pop flies”.
Pernicious Toad, of The Longbottom Row Gazette (Longbottom-in-the-Mashings), is embedded with the Captain’s contingent and routinely publishes a broad sheet with an exhaustive list of corrections to each new announcement from our new King.
The King’s Speech
Meanwhile, bac, at the site of the Captain’s rescue, Captain (King) Drew (covered in muck) pushed past rescue workers and clambered atop a nearby fire wagon to announce a change in Newcastle’s monetary system.
“From this day forward outside paper money and coinage is worthless in Newcastle. You can throw it away, for it has no value and will not work.
“Beginning on Opening Day, April 15th, the only coin of THIS realm, MY realm, are seashells, like the ones you find on the beach. This monetary system removes all the barriers that previous systems employed, like being good with math, and not spending all your money on the first shiny thing you see.
“As sovereign ruler of Newcastle, my Seashell Policy will create opportunities for many people, namely myself, as I am the owner of a particularly large number of seashells that I wish to get rid of in exchange for sundry goods and services, and so to make it officially official:
“SEASHELLS ARE NOW OFFICIALLY MONEY IN NEWCASTLE. YOU CAN BUY BEER WITH THEM. YOU CAN PAY FOR FAVORS WITH THEM. YOU CAN TIP THE QUEEN WITH THEM. THEY ARE MONEY. AS THE OWNER OF A PARTICULARLY LARGE NUMBER OF SEASHELLS, THIS ANNOUNCEMENT COMES AS WELCOME NEWS TO ME, SINCE I AIN’T GOT NO OTHER MONEY TO SPEAK OF. I WILL GIVE YOU 5 CLAMS FOR THAT SANDWICH NOW!!”
And that is the latest here, from Newcastle.
More as this story develops.
