26 May 2019
Captain Drew Turns Heat Rays to 11
In a fit of pique, Captain Drew ordered his crew to pummel the kingdom of Newcastle with his blistering heat cannons since they refused to surrender to his demand that Hollywood actress Jennifer Aniston moderate a debate between the Captain and King Henry Tudor to advance the Captain’s campaign for a non-existent election for the crown of that realm.
And he seems really worked up.
The peasants and assorted smellbodies of Newcastle are withering under the assault, making the Captain even less popular than he already was.
Willie “Loogey” McHock was overheard pleading with a visitor “I beg of you to apply this salve ointment to my rump flush using this ladle, kind lady!!” – a mannerly request notably out of character for the Town Spitsman.
To date, 42 food stalls, a swing stage, 37 booths, an entire wing of privies (ie, voting booths), and a smattering of minstrels have been affected by the Captain’s unrelenting heat ray attack.
Space pirate experts agree that the Captain’s attack cannot be sustained much longer because, “The 3 day weekend is almost over, and next weekend is the final weekend of festival. You better buy a dang ticket now before it’s all over!”
