Posted in: GARF, Pirate News. Comments Off on The Questionable Coronation of Captain Drew
On April 29th, 2019, Captain Drew (space pirate) announced his candidacy for King of Newcastle against the incumbent King (“2 Door Hank”) Henry VIII. The Captain rushed through a questionable coronation ceremony at the Tavern on the Hill on the very last day of festival.
Posted in: Pirate News. Comments Off on Newcastle Repels Fairhaven “Weather” Balloon
Around 2:30pm on Saturday, a large balloon filled with well-wishers from the Kingdom of Fairhaven drifted lazily over the seedy backside of Newcastle, alarming villagers and visitors alike since none of them should have been there during the off season. According to observers, Newcastle “successfully repelled the balloon” that Fairhaven described as being “dedicated to enjoyment of weather” and “really tasty chunks of fried chicken in a tangy yet sweet sauce” and mostly “impressing the ladies down at the canteen”.
“I did not know that any man could suffer such pain!”cried the Commodore as he lay dying from wounds Bainbridge had delivered in their duel that fine March morning. It would become the second most famous duel in American history, and Commodore Steven Decatur. It would also become the origin of the Curse of the Commodore…
We recently caught up with Karol Bartoszynski, one of the original founders of Wasteland Weekend, to discuss an incredible pirate coat designed and fabricated by his friend Scott Johnson. The coat is so imaginatively conceived, so well crafted, and so immaculately distressed that it could have stepped right off the screen of the most recent installment of the Mad Max series. They’ve been kind enough to let us share some photos of the coat and to provide some back story on how it came to be. Note: while this coat may be “one-of-a-kind”, Scott has plenty more ideas where this one came from! You can reach him through his Facebook page Squirrel Wurx.
Posted in: Captain's Log, Pirate News. Comments Off on Georgia Man Major Carrier of RUMinyavirus
“Chuckles” O’Rumpot last seen in a live video feed from a nerd convention
Today authorities with PiratePalooza announced that a character identifying as “Captain Rumpot” had been positively identified as a carrier of the RUMinyavirus, known more simply to pirate scientists as RUMMY-69.
Posted in: GARF, Pirate News. Comments Off on Captain Drew Turns Heat Rays to 11
In a fit of pique, Captain Drew ordered his crew to pummel the kingdom of Newcastle with his blistering heat cannons since they refused to surrender to his demand that Hollywood actress Jennifer Aniston moderate a debate between the Captain and King Henry Tudor to advance the Captain’s campaign for a non-existent election for the crown of that realm.
This evening The Association of Space Pirates of the Greater Magellanic Cloud and Associated Regions (“The Space Pirates”) released a statement to condemning allegations by Earth Senator Ted Cruz for “slandering our business practices” and “suggesting that we eat liver, blecch!!”.
The current King of the Space Pirates, Captain Drew, agreed to meet with one of our reporters on the condition that we buy him a plate full of hotdogs at the historic fast food restaurant The Varsity – a decision we would soon regret…
Posted in: GARF, Pirate News. Comments Off on Renaissance Festivals Prepare for Onslaught of Starbucks Cup Wielding Nerds
Concern began to quietly spread throughout America’s burgeoning Renaissance Festival network on Monday, following the latest revelation that a Starbucks cup had been spotted during a celebration scene in the latest episode of HBO’s immensely popular sword and sorcery series Game of Thrones.
National Renaissance Festival Experts are concerned that hundreds of be-caffeinated playtrons may soon descend upon active faires across the country this weekend, waving Starbucks’ iconic (and deliciously anachronistic) white and green paper cups over their heads, bursting with pride at their own cleverness.
Shortly after Noon on Saturday, April 14th, Captain Drew casually announced to a group of sea pirates gathered at the Tavern Upon the Hill in Newcastle that he had just decided to “run for King”. This was received with much more enthusiasm than his last plan to dig for treasure in a privy.
The Captain named his longtime rival Billy Bones as his running mate, cementing Newcastle’s once-fractured Pirate Party into a formidable voting bloc.
The growing list of the Captain’s campaign promises include:
Happy Talk Like a Pirate Day, m’hearties! With less than 5 days until the 13th Annual PiratePalooza™ Pubcrawl & Pubsing it might be a good idea start polishing up on your pirate history! However, if you’re like most sea devils these days you’re absolutely illiterate (which is why you have someone reading this article to you right now). Continue Reading
