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King Drew Fever Grips Newcastle

Abandon All Hope
Poster artwork by John Leake

Shortly after Noon on Saturday, April 14th, Captain Drew casually announced to a group of sea pirates gathered at the Tavern Upon the Hill in Newcastle that he had just decided to “run for King”. This was received with much more enthusiasm than his last plan to dig for treasure in a privy.

Captain Drew Declares Candidacy for King

The Captain named his longtime rival Billy Bones as his running mate, cementing Newcastle’s once-fractured Pirate Party into a formidable voting bloc.

The growing list of the Captain’s campaign promises include:

  • sovereignty for the Irish
  • carts (very few details on this)
  • rum (not very much)
  • rocks (?)
  • exclusion of the Irish
  • railings (?)
  • more holes under the fence
  • blousier blouses for wenches
  • more music, less yapping

Set in the Captain’s political crosshairs is a relatively obscure Welshman known locally as “Henry Tudor” and occasionally referred to (by some) as “The King of England and Lord of Ireland“.

Seen together in this recent tourist photo, Henry Tudor and Captain Drew are likely to wage a vicious media campaign – albeit a largely one-sided vicious media campaign, since the King (referred to as “Two Door Hank” by the Captain) has absolutely no idea who the Captain is.

King Henry Meets Captain Drew

The possibility that “King Drew” could win the 2019 Regal Elections has been dismissed by most royal watchers, as there is no clear path to power since there is no electoral system in Newcastle.

“You don’t elect a King, do you?” shouted a clearly agitated Lord Thrushbottom, Minister of Effrontery, waving a cane wildly above his head and staggering into passersby. “They’re chosen by Divine Right, now ain’t they????”

Stay tuned for this unfolding drama in Newcastle, and pick your sides NOW!!


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