Shortly after Noon on Saturday, April 14th, Captain Drew casually announced to a group of sea pirates gathered at the Tavern Upon the Hill in Newcastle that he had just decided to “run for King”. This was received with much more enthusiasm than his last plan to dig for treasure in a privy.
The Captain named his longtime rival Billy Bones as his running mate, cementing Newcastle’s once-fractured Pirate Party into a formidable voting bloc.
The growing list of the Captain’s campaign promises include:
Posted in: Current Events, GARF, Minstrels. Comments Off on Section of Royal High Road Buckles in New Castle, Swallows Minstrels Whole
A gaggle of unsuspecting minstrels were swallowed up by the earth this past Sunday when a section of the Royal High Road in New Castle buckled due to a previously undetected tunnel, reported the Royal Guard.
Captain Drew, spokespirate for the Royal Alliance of Space Pirates (R.A.S.P.), responded via telex that his organization was “totally not involved in this unfortunate tunnel collapse” and that “the tunnel had not even been finished yet” and that “peepholes had Continue Reading
UPDATE! Good news, the Pyrates Royale cannot be stopped. Ian O’Donnell reports that the Pyrates have been reincarnated and that you can get the latest information about them on their Pyrates Royale Reunion page on Facebook (click!)
Shocking news reached the ship tonight that the Pyrates Royale have announced they would be ending the voyage they first began in 1986. Upon hearing the news Captain Drew issued the ship’s flags to be lowered to “one half thirds mast” and that extra rum rations be issued for himself until further notice. Curiosity abounds around the ship, but all agree that the Pyrates Royale were Continue Reading
That time is upon us again this year and I hope that you haven’t let it slip up on you like is has me!! Don’t forget to file form SM-4 before mid-October, especially if you value the autonomy of your own private social media control. Note that page 19 is the most important page and for the first time this year you may simply Continue Reading
This evening I met several of my pirate kin to observe the official public opening of a new Avondale experience called “My Parents Basement”, which has been constructed upon the remains of the dear departed James Joyce Pub – a wonderful establishment that I understand to have been eaten by a giant star goat, or some such. This new place, My Parents Basement, is a strange new flavor of crazy that just might work – let me tell you more! Continue Reading
Posted in: Current Events. Comments Off on The Final Splashdown
The colorful broadside “USA Today” be reporting that your beloved hero Neil Armstrong will be buried at sea, which seems to have caught many of you Terrans by surprise as it seems you had believed the man would be enshrined in a concrete cathedral in the middle of your national capital. But look at it from the perspective of a monkey who has traveled the hateful wastes of the void. Your planet, your giant blue marble, is a miracle. How ever could he be buried anywhere else but in that wonderful blue ocean encircling your globe? From one space pirate to another, I should wish Mister Armstrong one final, glorious splashdown. Yarr.
Update [Dec 2011] – Captain Drew claims no memory of the following and ordered his Gooble Voice number be removed from the website
BREAKING NEWS – Today Captain Drew announced in a press conference at PiratePalooza’s corporate headquarters that he will be teaming with the internet giant Google in a effort to increase awareness of Google’s newest service “Google Voice” and to spur adoption of Captain Drew’s steam-powered rPhone™. Visitors to PiratePalooza.com will now be able to leave messages for the Captain via a handy Google Voice widget in the site’s sidebar, directly below an advertisement for the Captain’s rPhone™ (as featured in the infamous YouTube video “Dairy Wench”).
In what has been described as “the most confrontational press conference since Steve Jobs threw a camera at an intern” Captain Drew rambled for 35 minutes before relieving himself off the front of the stage into a trendy messenger bag carried by one of the reporters. In a fleeting moment of clarity the Captain explained:
“Well I heard tell that there be this incredible [unintelligible] net thing… and that this here Gooble bunch think that they know how to make money from this net [unintelligible] so I aims to get my [expletive] hands on their Gooble booty before any other deck sprawlers lay wind of it. Gooble Gooble Gooble Gooble Gooble Gooble Gooble Gooble Gooble Gooble Gooble Gooble Gooble Gooble Gooble Gooble Gooble Gooble…..”
The Captain’s speech went on for another 8 minutes before he curled up underneath the lectern and went to sleep.
A technology reporter from WIRED magazine was heard to say “Dudes… don’t expect Gooble to team with Captain Drew anytime soon on [their next product] ‘Google Wave‘… hey, did somebody spill a drink on my bag??”
Posted in: Current Events. Comments Off on NASA Recruits Million Man Army of Spies to Invade Moon
Breaking news from the world of space piracy!! Fast on the heels of their recent invasion of Mars, your planet’s space warfare organization, NASA, has assembled an army of Earth-born invaders to overrun your neighboring moon with spies! Rumored to already have ONE MILLION recruits, the so-called “space agency” has issued the following statement. Continue Reading
Posted in: Current Events. Comments Off on Unprovoked Invasion of Mars Continues
Hostilities between Earth and Mars continues unabated with this evening’s news of yet another alien lander being deposited on the surface of the peaceful world of Mars. The latest invasion is reportedly being led by a reconnaissance robot known as the “Phoenix Mars Lander”, rumored to have advanced “measuring” and “scooping” technologies dedicated to the subjugation of the arctic plains on the formerly serene fourth planet of the Sol system. According to Earth’s space-based naval organization, NASA, their campaign planners are “proud” and “excited” about this latest invasion, seeing it as the precursor to a larger invasion by 2,000 pound roving brutes bent on conquest and the Continue Reading
So your old pal Cap’n Drew was sittin’ in a dockside tavern last night when he ran across this fine, fair wreck of a wench who seemed to warm to me sweet talk, free rum and roaming hands. I think her name was Alaksi… maybe she were Japanese. Anyways, I thought it were all going so fine and grand and at the end of the night I asked for her bloomers, which, like a lady she refused to surrender. She asked me if I’d settle for her number instead, which I did, seeing as that was the only booty I’d be gettin’ that night. The problem is, I can’t seem to reach the lass at the number and I was wondering if any of you lot might be able to help….. take a look: 09-f9-11-02-9d-74-e3-5b-d8-41-56-c5-63-56-88-c0 ….. so what is that? I think it might be one of them international numbers… ooooo, maybe she were French! No, wait, if she’d a been French I wouldn’t have been blown off. Wait, I mean…. well, just you never mind what I mean. Let me know if you find out how I can reach that wench with this number! I ain’t never had one of them French Japanese wenches before!!!
