New DirtBlocke™ product is set to revolutionize a weird Medieval fetish

On Tuesday morning the old space pirate known as Captain Drew made an unscheduled presentation to the joint House and Senate budget hearings for the 155th Georgia General Assembly to request funding for a “new brand of sunblock made exclusively for rennies” this product is apparently slated to go on sale from the trunk of his car later this year at the Georgia Renaissance Festival in Fairburn, Georgia.

Even as he was being dragged from the chamber by the Governor’s security detail the Captain tossed hundreds of investment fliers into the air. Provided below is the text from one of those handbills, in the event you might like to invest.

This evening The Association of Space Pirates of the Greater Magellanic Cloud and Associated Regions (“The Space Pirates”) released a statement to condemning allegations by Earth Senator Ted Cruz for “slandering our business practices” and “suggesting that we eat liver, blecch!!”.

The current King of the Space Pirates, Captain Drew, agreed to meet with one of our reporters on the condition that we buy him a plate full of hotdogs at the historic fast food restaurant The Varsity – a decision we would soon regret…

The design for the 2017 PiratePalooza™ Pubcrawl & Pubsing was announced this morning at a small press conference in a dusty median in the middle of Andrew Young International Boulevard, near Atlanta’s new Mercedes Benz stadium. Captain Drew announced to a group of traveling vagabonds that this year’s shirt theme was “Seize the High Seas” and “Something Something About Seaweed” and “Look Matey, Ships Be Cool So Get Off My Back” and “Lester, If You Don’t Let Go Of My Piece Of Chicken Right Now I Shall Be Forced To Strike You In The Nose”.

While video of this press conference is sadly unavailable, Captain Drew’s staff inform us that the website is in fact taking orders now (ORDER YOUR SHIRT TODAY) and stressed that the only way to be guaranteed of getting a shirt is to pre-order them – very few pieces of additional stock will be Continue Reading

On Saturday evening reports began filtering in to the ship that Captain Drew had been conspicuously absent from the opening day of the Georgia Renaissance Festival, as there were no reports of broken railings and zero beers spilled on Edward the Redbeard.  There were, however, scattered whisperings from around the kingdom suggesting that someone matching the Captain’s description might have been been spotted on the grounds the previous evening and there were several suspicious incidents reported, including a lingering power outage at The Peacock Tea Room (a popular dining destination) and some non-functional taproom equipment at a popular Continue Reading

Captain Drew gratefully thanks this year’s sponsors of the PiratePalooza™ Pubcrawl & Pubsing and deeply appreciates their assistance in making this event the entertaining romp you’ve come to expect over the past 12 years. Each of these groups and businesses would appreciate your business and your participation in their events, so please Continue Reading

A little less than four hours ago Captain Drew held his latest press conference, this time at Lenox Square Mall in Buckhead, a tony in-town Atlanta neighborhood known for upscale businesses and “wenches what has had a lot of work done in their bosom area”. Unlike his previous press conferences, the Captain avoided making a public spectacle by accidentally locking himself in a disused maintenance corridor behind the Victoria’s Secret store. According to the store’s manager, Shasta Glamowitz, the previous sentence may in fact be entirely inaccurate. “That guy carved a peephole in the Continue Reading

In yet another hastily-convened press conference, this morning Captain Drew unveiled to an astonished group of Japanese tourists the design for the 9th Annual PiratePalooza™ Pubcrawl & Pubsing: “The Curse of the Rumbullion” – a throwback to the classic pirate movies from the Golden Age of Hollywood. After a confusing exchange over the correct pronunciation (and meaning of) the word “Rumbullion” the Captain clambered atop a nearby Continue Reading

So pleased was I over the success of last week’s 8th Annual PiratePalooza™ Pubcrawl and Pubsing that I’m skipping my traditional unplanned press conference a few months before the event and am instead giving you an entire year to plan for the invasion of Decatarrrr on the 21st of Septembarrrr, 2013. Carve that date into your wooden leg, Jim m’lad, as you won’t want to miss this jolly good time. If you did somehow miss this year’s PiratePalooza™ (the original and official) take a gawp at more than 375 pirate-filled engravings of our sack of the sea port of Decatur ‘pon the Ponce – and if you values your hide you’ll be sure to join our Facebook page and read the Captain’s (b)Log leading up to the event! Now go and mend some sails or something. And by all means, spread the word.

In what may be the pirate news story of the week, Captain Drew, famed space pirate and inventor of the rPlank™ has announced his intentions to find a “very valuable treasure map” that he claims was lost during his last laundry day.

“Yes, Brian, I am very concerned and hope to find this map very quickly as it shows where I have hidden all my treasure,” said the Captain to our reporter Brie Nicholls, who attended the Captain’s hastily called announcement in a popular doughnut shop along Ponce De Leon Street in Atlanta late Saturday morning.

“It be my intention, Brian, to determine WHERE I left my map and then to pick it UP again and put it into my breeches POCKET. My, you certainly have a large chest for a cabin boy, Brian. Do you mind if I Continue Reading

Today Captain Drew held an impromptu press conference in the women’s lavatory in the security holding cell at Phipp’s Plaza, in which he announced: “I did NOT take that very expensive necklace, it simply became entangled in my fingers” and “you didn’t need to hit me over head, you steam punk” and “I think that I will hold the 2012 edition of the World Famous and Official PiratePalooza™ Pubcrawl and Pubsing on the 15th day of Septembarrrr”, shortly before falling into a deep rum-induced coma.

Captain Drew’s “legal” team arrived several minutes later to “negotiate” with the security guards. During the melee they confirmed that the Captain was correct in stating the date of The Official PiratePalooza™ Pubcrawl & Pubsing as being September 15th, 2012.

You can find out nearly everything you could possibly want to know about the current year’s event by visiting the main website’s dedicated PiratePalooza™ Pubcrawl page (that’s a link).

Please pass this information along to the scurvy mongrels you calls friends, friend.