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Space Pirates Condemn Ted Cruz

Captain Drew of Space Pirates Condemns Ted Cruz

This evening The Association of Space Pirates of the Greater Magellanic Cloud and Associated Regions (“The Space Pirates”) released a statement to condemning allegations by Earth Senator Ted Cruz for “slandering our business practices” and “suggesting that we eat liver, blecch!!”.

The current King of the Space Pirates, Captain Drew, agreed to meet with one of our reporters on the condition that we buy him a plate full of hotdogs at the historic fast food restaurant The Varsity – a decision we would soon regret…

Captain Drew and his Gargoylian Science Officer, Mister Iggy.

Once we’d bought the Captain $25 worth of hotdogs he produced a green stick from his belt and began waving it in the air, adding an additional demand that we also mention the upcoming 15th anniversary of his PiratePalooza Pubcrawl & Pubsing, that he is also running for King of the Georgia Renaissance Festival, that he invented the rPlank™, that he wrote the Official Guidebook to the rPlank™ (on sale everywhere), and that he is currently working on a romance novel (“title TBD”).

In response to Ted Cruz’s rather lurid depiction of space pirates as satellite thieves, the Captain shouted “LISTEN CHARLIE, I ALREADY GOT TEN OF THEM THINGS WHY DO I WANT YOURS??!!!” before climbing up onto his chair to shout for a while at a television featuring senate hearings on C-SPAN.

He seemed as upset by the hotdogs on his plate as he was by Cruz’s suggestion that space pirates do not possess wooden space frigates flying the skull and crossbones.

“Because that’s exactly the kind of ship I got, you stupid lubbers!!” he screamed, flinging hotdogs at people sitting at nearby tables.

After coaxing the Captain down from his table with a chili dog we asked for his parting thoughts about the Senator from Texas.

“Well, I ain’t really got much else to say about this Ted feller,” the Captain sighed, pointing toward Ted Cruz on a nearby television. “He’s got enough problems already. I mean, just look at him. Hey, does this place serve anything besides liver???”

Captain Drew can be reached for comment on Twitter and on Instagram. We suggest you do not waste your time trying to convince the Captain that hotdogs are not made of liver, or attempt to take him back inside The Varsity.

See the video for yourself:


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