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With only a few days left before this weekend’s opening day at the Georgia Renaissance Festival we have breaking news of a new attraction which is rumored for installment at the park: an honest to gosh rollercoaster!! The concept photograph accompanying this article shows a modern pipeline style coaster painted red and yellow, the colors most often used for roller coasters during the reign of Henry Tudor.

The Georgia Renaissance Festival is already an immensely popular attraction, located only 8 miles south of the Atlanta Hartsfield-Jackson Giant Metal Bird Estate. Experts in the field of renaissance amusement rides theorize that the addition of a historically accurate roller coaster depicting the love life of Henry the 8th could propel the Georgia faire to the top of the list of renaissance festivals which feature multi-million dollar historically themed carnival rides.

The design and manufacture of this coaster was awarded to Erlatz Fink, a former tractor manufacturing concern located 12 miles west of the Croatian resort Dubrovnik. Early tests of this six-loop rollercoaster (rumored to be named “The Consort Express”) proved startlingly dangerous, resulting in five deaths (two beheadings). Sadly, those deaths comprised the entire engineering team from Erlatz Fink.

While The Consort Express may be slightly delayed there’s no reason you shouldn’t head down to the Georgia Renaissance Festival this spring!

Patrons can take in a joust (try the premium seating!), eat a turkey legge, quaff some beer on Friar Finnegan’s pub crawl, buy a sword, leer at some wenches, talk to Human Resources for leering at wenches, have a scone in the tea room, poop in a big blue box (or pee on a rocket), and search for the secret underground brew pub!

Captain Drew will be selling bootleg tickets to the rollercoaster for $45 for a limited time, in the bushes around back of the Tavern on the Hill.

* THIS ISN’T REAL, YOU BIG DUMMIES!!!!