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The Short Version

Media darlings during the 1980’s, the late 1990’s found Rock-n-Roll Captains Mal & Drew scrambling to deliver a new hit album to pay off massive debt garnered over their 10 year hiatus living off the proceeds from their hits ‘Pirate Rock’, ‘Pirate Rock 2’, ‘Lick My Hook’ and ‘Festoon’.

Captain Mal’s 1997 purchase of a cruise ship expressly fitted out for floating concerts, gambling and debauchery nearly sank him. Originally christened ‘The Bad Move’, the ship was later impounded by the Bahamanian navy for outstanding tax liens. Using a combination of political pressure and subterfuge, Captain Mal had a fling with the Governor-General’s wife, stole the keys to the ship from her nightstand and headed off to the boys’ secret island where he had the ship re-Christened as ‘The Good Ship Shadenfreuden’.

Meanwhile, Captain Drew’s long-rumored addiction to buttery nipples (real buttered nipples) splashed onto headlines worldwide in 1998 after he chased a topless Gina Davis onstage during a taping of ‘Late Night with Conan O’Brien’, screaming “Just a quick taste darlin! I’ve got me swirl down to perfection! “. Within weeks of the incident dozens of Hollywood’s best-known actresses had stepped forward to accuse Captain Drew of similar behavior, banding together to form a fake class-action lawsuit banning him from swank Hollywood nipple-tasting events. Some say that he was so unwilling to kick his addiction that he began wearing a mask. Others just say that he’s just kind of homely.

With nowhere to go but up, the boys managed to continue their downward spiral when their new album ‘Love Songs for Pretty People’ debuted to a stunned music world. Peppered with smarmy 1970’s love songs, it was exactly what their fans couldn’t comprehend and within three days of its debut their entire music library was dumped by their major label. Into a landfill in New Jersey. Really deep. Really, really deep. No copies have been found anywhere, ever. Not even on eBay. Collectors estimate that if the original batch of ‘Love Songs for Pretty People’ was to be found that no one would care.

After the album’s all too public demise Mal and Drew had a falling out after a misunderstanding over a mock turtle sandwich and a hooker. In 2005 they buried their differences long enough to promote PiratePalooza.


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