25 May 2008
Hostilities between Earth and Mars continues unabated with this evening’s news of yet another alien lander being deposited on the surface of the peaceful world of Mars. The latest invasion is reportedly being led by a reconnaissance robot known as the “Phoenix Mars Lander”, rumored to have advanced “measuring” and “scooping” technologies dedicated to the subjugation of the arctic plains on the formerly serene fourth planet of the Sol system. According to Earth’s space-based naval organization, NASA, their campaign planners are “proud” and “excited” about this latest invasion, seeing it as the precursor to a larger invasion by 2,000 pound roving brutes bent on conquest and the establishment of a solar dynasty.
In a hastily called meeting of the Intersolar League of Space Pirates, Captain Drew (President) issued a response to Earth’s unprovoked strike: “While we be troubled by the growing tendency of you lubbers to loft things outside of your bloody gravity well, we celebrate your goal to extend your Empire throughout your backwater solar system and hope that you won’t mind terribly if we occasionally commandeer some of your craft for our own uses… as there be precious little you can do to stop us anyway! That whole “Beagle” ship made a *fantastic* centerpiece to me entertainment system. Um, that’s all I’ve got to say now… switch it off. I bloody well said SWITCH IT OF—“