16 Apr 2017
On Saturday evening reports began filtering in to the ship that Captain Drew had been conspicuously absent from the opening day of the Georgia Renaissance Festival, as there were no reports of broken railings and zero beers spilled on Edward the Redbeard. There were, however, scattered whisperings from around the kingdom suggesting that someone matching the Captain’s description might have been been spotted on the grounds the previous evening and there were several suspicious incidents reported, including a lingering power outage at The Peacock Tea Room (a popular dining destination) and some non-functional taproom equipment at a popular pirate-infested pub.
In an effort to defend himself against these accusations the Captain issued a hand-written letter to his social media team asking them to issue a statement that he wishes to make up for any “misumblestandings” about “all the broken things” that he did not “have a whole lot to do with” as he was not “totally there last night looking for fishwives or bored French girls of a certain legal age”.
The Captain has furthermore asked that it be announced that he would like to “calm everybody down” by arranging for an exclusive performance of “rummity-tum-tum” music for the Queen, Her Royal Court, and “bored French girls of a certain legal age”, by the lively and diaphragmmatic group “Shemnaggamans” on the upper deck of the new “Drunk Mon” Pub, featuring a “commanding view of the mud pit and privies”. Please be prepared to show your credentials to the “guard” before heading up the well marked and obvious “staircase” to the upstairs “deck”.
UPDATE (16 Apr 2017) in response to multiple social media queries for details about the new pub mentioned in this article: The Captain has declined to provide an official date for this invitation-only concert and has responded to reports that there is no upstairs deck at this pub as “fake tidings” from “varlets, Whigs, and Tories”.