1 Feb 2014
Captain Drew Identified as Culprit in 2014 Snowjam
Republished with persimmons from The Associated Reuters News Press-type Agency
Beleaguered by mounting media scrutiny over the events leading to the monumental traffic nightmare resulting from this past Tuesday’s 2-inch snowfall, and facing harsh criticism from political rivals he will face in upcoming primary debates, Georgia Governor Nathan Deal announced at 9am this morning a surprise noon press conference in which he planned to “reveal the real culprit in this fiasco”.
After making a few opening remarks about the progress of post-storm recovery efforts the Governor motioned toward a side door which swung open to reveal an enforcement officer (from a yet-to-be-determined agency) wrestling with a man wearing knee boots and a mask. The masked man repeatedly yelled “I’ll say anything if you’ll just give me back my beer!”
Governor Deal stared into the camera for several long moments before turning to hiss something to the officer, who reluctantly handed a plastic beverage cup toward the belligerent man, apparently dressed as a pirate.
The Governor spoke again to say, “It has come to my attention that the singular reason why our state’s roads turned to ice this past week was not because of a less-than-perfect execution by the Georgia Department of Transportation or the simultaneous release of thousands of government employees by Mayor Reed.”
“The real reason that our state’s capital city is now the laughing stock of the entire world is due to the masked man standing behind me: Captain Drew, our state’s weather czar. Our investigation is ongoing, but early reports indicate that the Captain is in fact not a meteorologist and has been removed from his post immediately, by my order, until more facts can be obtained.”
The masked pirate waved his plastic cup in the air and yelled something about breasts before leaping from the stage and running out of the studio.
