9 Sep 2013
A little less than four hours ago Captain Drew held his latest press conference, this time at Lenox Square Mall in Buckhead, a tony in-town Atlanta neighborhood known for upscale businesses and “wenches what has had a lot of work done in their bosom area”. Unlike his previous press conferences, the Captain avoided making a public spectacle by accidentally locking himself in a disused maintenance corridor behind the Victoria’s Secret store. According to the store’s manager, Shasta Glamowitz, the previous sentence may in fact be entirely inaccurate. “That guy carved a peephole in the drywall of our changing room,” explained Glamowitz, who some* have described as wearing a “snug top showing a tasteful hint of cleavage”.
Viewing security footage of the incident we are able to share with you the salient portions of the Captain’s speech:
“I am happy to announce today that I’m adding an exciting NEW event to my annual PiratePalooza™ Pubcrawl & Pubsing!
During the week leading up the the Palooza herself we shall be holding a SCAVENGER HUNT and BOOTY CHASE!
This hunt shall begin at 7pm on Septembarrrr the 9th and end at 7pm on Septembarrrr the 18th.
Tobbias Short and Isabella the Cruel will be our Hunt Leaders and I am giving them wide-ranging powers of discretion as to the selection of winners and the distribution of accolades for the winning entries.
Here be the rules of this lark:
1) Teams must have at least 2 members and no more than 4, and NAME your team!!
2) Teams must submit ONLY ONE image for each item on the scavenger hunt list
3) Each item is worth up to 10 points, bonus points can be awarded for complete and utter WOW factor. Boobies will always merit bonus points.
4) Email the photo or photo link to firstname.lastname@example.org (you may use an openly accessible photo service like Imgur.com or Flickr.com)
5) ABSOLUTELY NO DESTRUCTION OF PERSONAL PROPERTY or harmful or dangerous acts.
6) Rated R Adult content allowed – we’ll blur any naughty parts prior to posting publicly
Listed below are the list of photos/actions you need to accomplish before the deadline.
NOTE: you should always IMPROVISE if you’re unable to comply with the exact nature of an item on the list! (you’re a PIRATE!!)
1. Commodore Stephen Decatur wearing an eye patch
2. Team member wearing a PiratePalooza™ t-shirt in an “unusual place”
3. Make a PiratePalooza™ flag and “claim” something in its name
4. Portrait of Captain Drew made from macaroni, skittles, or dried fruit
5. Go to your local bakery, order a cake, have the baker write your special message to Captain Drew on the cake.
6. Bedazzle your pirate “chest”
7. X marks the spot. Where’s your buried treasure hidden? Mark it with an X
8. Have dinner at a PiratePalooza™ host bar, take a picture with your receipt and your server.
9. Show us what your treasure chest is filled with.
10. The Peg Leg is Captain Drew’s favorite cocktail. What’s in it (besides RUM, of course?!) Picture must include the drink in garnished glass and the recipe. *Bonus: Judges will make and test all drinks. Bonus points for best drink which may also be featured at PiratePalooza™ (as long as bar can accommodate).
11. Watercolor portrait of Captain Drew in the style of George Dawe’s paintings of Russian generals. [LINK]
12: Make a music video about PiratePalooza™.
13: Get Johnny Depp to send Captain Drew a birthday greeting via social media (FB, Twitter, LJ, blog comment, interview on Today Show)
What are you waiting around here for?? THAT’S IT!!!!
NOW GO!!! The 1st Annual PiratePalooza™ Scavenger Hunt & Booty Chase has begun!!!!
* where the word “some” means “Captain Drew”