Posted in: Pirate Technology. Comments Off on Onyx Consulting Wins Service Rights for rPlank
PiratePalooza.com is pleased to announce that Captain Drew has awarded the exclusive worldwide service rights for the rPlank™ to Onyx Consulting of Atlanta. In an entirely unrelated matter, Onyx Consulting has returned as a premiere sponsor of Captain Drew’s Official 7th Annual PiratePalooza PubCrawl & PubSing!! Not only is Onyx Consulting the only authorized service provider for the rPlank™ on your planet, they also be an Apple Authorized Service center and a generally clever group of boffins who quietly solve IT problems and avoid pompous self-promotion (unlike Captain Drew). This fall Onyx will be opening their 3rd location, near Georgia Tech, at 1634 Northside Drive between Holmes and Belmeade. What was formerly a pet hospital will now be a computer hospital, so don’t be afraid to take your beloved family computer in for a heartworm check or a nice shampoo. Best of all, for those without a lot of money to spend, Onyx has established the Onyx Consulting Foundation (“The OCF”); a non-profit which sells affordably priced refurbished computer equipment, with all proceeds going toward the Dekalb Rape Crisis Center & The YMCA Partner With Youth Program, two very worthwhile causes! (note: Onyx requires all pirates wishing to have their rPlank™ repaired to pay in advance)
rPlank™ : The Official Guide by Captain Drew is now available in full cover softcover (Lulu.com) and eBook format from the Apple iBookstore (Apple iTunes). We’re not kidding here matey, this be an actual book what you may buy for your favorite pirate, just in time for Talk Like a Pirate Day!! The print edition is currently available as a full-color softcover from Lulu.com and will be available later from popular, well-known online retailers. A black & white edition will be released soon for those of you saving your doubloons.
Reports are coming in that Captain Drew, founder of PiratePalooza.com and beloved space pirate, has spent most of the day attempting to persuade a well known kilt-wearing celebrity/photographer to return an “invaluable” first generation prototype of a brand new device, after it was left in a bar Continue Reading
Last night, while celebrating an imminent announcement regarding this year’s Official PiratePalooza™ Pubcrawl and Pubsing, Captain Drew lost a very important piece of space pirate technology. The device was most likely lost at Trader Vic’s or one of 12 other bars that the Captain visited during that evening’s fete. The Captain wishes to keep this alien technology out of his competitors’ hands and is asking you, his fans, to keep an eye out for anything that might look space piratey. As an incentive, the Captain is offering an “as yet to be specified” reward for the return of this technology. He would prefer that “space strippers find it because that would be cool!!! Wouldn’t that be cool???” Thank you for your assistance, pirates of Earth.
Is Captain Drew working on bringing the Android operating system to the next version of his fabled rPhone? Tipsters have pointed us to this intriguing video of a video game featuring Captain Drew battling his arch enemies, the Cardboard Troopers. Let us know if you hear of anything else!
Update [Dec 2011] – Captain Drew claims no memory of the following and ordered his Gooble Voice number be removed from the website
BREAKING NEWS – Today Captain Drew announced in a press conference at PiratePalooza’s corporate headquarters that he will be teaming with the internet giant Google in a effort to increase awareness of Google’s newest service “Google Voice” and to spur adoption of Captain Drew’s steam-powered rPhone™. Visitors to PiratePalooza.com will now be able to leave messages for the Captain via a handy Google Voice widget in the site’s sidebar, directly below an advertisement for the Captain’s rPhone™ (as featured in the infamous YouTube video “Dairy Wench”).
In what has been described as “the most confrontational press conference since Steve Jobs threw a camera at an intern” Captain Drew rambled for 35 minutes before relieving himself off the front of the stage into a trendy messenger bag carried by one of the reporters. In a fleeting moment of clarity the Captain explained:
“Well I heard tell that there be this incredible [unintelligible] net thing… and that this here Gooble bunch think that they know how to make money from this net [unintelligible] so I aims to get my [expletive] hands on their Gooble booty before any other deck sprawlers lay wind of it. Gooble Gooble Gooble Gooble Gooble Gooble Gooble Gooble Gooble Gooble Gooble Gooble Gooble Gooble Gooble Gooble Gooble Gooble…..”
The Captain’s speech went on for another 8 minutes before he curled up underneath the lectern and went to sleep.
A technology reporter from WIRED magazine was heard to say “Dudes… don’t expect Gooble to team with Captain Drew anytime soon on [their next product] ‘Google Wave‘… hey, did somebody spill a drink on my bag??”
Do you sometimes be wondering “What be Captain Drew doing right now?” Well! Wonder no more me digital hearties, just give your boxes of blinky lights a hard turn to the right and cruise on over to the Official PiratePalooza™ Twittarrrr straight from the confused mind of the galaxy’s favorite space pirate! From derring-do to making poo, toss this space pirate in your pocket for some rollicking good times!
Thunder!! You could have knocked your old Captain down with a feather when a sexy, leggy lass tossed him a note tonight to let him know that Facebook.com now speaks proper English… pirate English that is. Tis sure and true enough! If you didn’t already know, clamber aboard your Facebook account, scroll all the way down to the Continue Reading