PiratePalooza.com Rum. Cleavage. Pubcrawls. YARRRR!

Wouldn’t YOU like to know what this is all about? 😉

Secrets! 😉

Last week my Internet crew announced the first event in the lead-up to our 10th Annual PiratePalooza™ Pubcrawl & Pubsing, which has come to be regarded as the “Start of Pirate Season” in the southeastern United States. Last night they brought the submissions to my cabin and we reviewed the many wonderful submissions. I would particularly like to thank Hilda McBhiggböttum for her oil painting of “Captain Drew Astride a Mediterranean Concubine” but this has become a family show and so her amazing work (which should have won) will only be able to be seen by those who visit my cabin…. and lay in my hammock… and stare at the ceiling.

As such I’m putting my 2nd choice (which I’m told has become quite terribly popular amongst the crews of many ships) forward as the winner of FIRST PRIZE for this competition… that’s it up top, in case you hadn’t already guessed. In a work of mad genius a Floridian pirate known to his friends as “John The Badger” has assembled a collage (a French word meaning ‘to glue’) from his own photo collection and from that of many others. For his bold act of photo piracy and his obvious grand artistic panache we will all stand back and clap heartily at this creation that celebrates 10 years of wonderful, wonderful boobies and Great Pirate Fun amongst some of the silliest, most smilingest ruffians you might ever hope to meet. GREAT WORK JOHN!!!!! THANK YOU FROM THE BOTTOM OF MY TREASURE CHEST!!!

Our SECOND PRIZE goes to this photo of young Julian the Bloodthirsty, for having captured the bust of our Number One Enemy: Commodore Stephen Decatur. Such ferocity deserves an upgrade to the latest in space pirate weaponry: the Gloopgirdle Juggernaut XJ-7 Pocket Eliminator (requires batteries). Use it well, you little sea urchin.

And our THIRD AND FINAL PRIZE goes to a Miss D’Toaster who has submitted a photo of herself at her very first PiratePalooza™ in 2009, from inside our dear departed pub known as The Angel. The remarkable thing about Miss D’Toaster’s entry is that it only has about 4 pixels in it. While I know that there were many submissions that were far more worthy, I was struck by the simplicity of this woman who has the temerity to submit a photograph that was obviously taken using a potato. This intrigues me, and I find that I must award her the final Space Pirate gun on the principle that it might in fact result in some sort of mayhem. Anyone willing to submit a 4-pixel photograph to a 10th Anniversary event must surely be deranged, and I’m all about enabling the deranged with state-of-the-art alien technology. It’s a calling.

Thanks again to all who participated and to Mister Roger Wade Riddle for supplying the AMAZING space pirate guns! We’ll be ringing this Palooza in right and I hope that you’ll join us in the other events we celebrate on the way to our big date in Decatarrrr!!

To anyone who was at this year’s PiratePalooza and found a sack full of strange equipment, I would like it back. It contains my medicinal rum, a large block of cheese, a bottle of port wine, a television remote control, and my rPhone™. Unfortunately for me, the rPhone™ is the only thing besides my rPlank™ that will run my “find my treasure” apparatus. So, until I can get a replacement rPhone or remember where I buried that train car full of Nazi gold I’ll have to keep digging by hand with the ship’s laser cannons and hope that I get lucky. So far nobody has noticed us out here blasting away and I hope that it might stay that way until after we’ve found the treasure and made it back off world. (Thanks to Dean Ansley for the photo of me inside the laser hole)

Hope you’re all doing well!

This past Saturday we celebrated the 9th edition of the PiratePalooza™ Pubcrawl and Pubsing by invading the City of Decatarrrr and challenging the ghost of Commodore Stephen Decatur yet again (it’s a pirate tradition). As the clock ticked out the final 24 hours leading to the invasion I had to accept the hard truth that the Curse of the Rumbullion had come true and that we were more than likely to spend the entire day in and out of torrential rainstorms and that the concert at the end of the day was going to be Continue Reading

Most people are convinced that my success as a space pirate is due to my keen knowledge of the tides, my shrewd instinct for naval battle strategies, and a certain fearlessness for leading my crew into adventures they’d never attempt on their own. But this is of course a load of dingoes kidneys. The real Secret to My Success are my magic Continue Reading

Included below is a restaurant review I contributed to Yelp.com back in 2010.

This den of vegetarian confoundery provided Yours Truly with one of the most disappointing dining experiences this side of the Magellanic Cloud, which was, frankly, FANTASTIC (if you’re a fan of bad reviews).

Not since the Great Hairy Bread Expedition of 1873 have I been as excited to relate my experiences about a slop hall as I am now with Madras Saravana Bhavan, located Nor’Noreast of Decatarrrr, Georgia.

I arrived to find my dining companions, Dwight and Barbara, studiously wading through two large and sticky color catalogs filled with images of food with exotic names like Tug and Bandr and Prath and yes, of course I’m making these names up because the REAL names are so bloody exotic that they flew out of my mind as soon as I read them out of those filthy (yet colorful) menus which served as our passport to the world of vegetarian Indian cuisine.

“I’m afraid to drink the water,” announced Barbara, eyeing the tepid pitcher with a wrinkled nose.

“Barbara,” I scolded, “may I remind you that you’re in Decatarrr, not India?”

Her eyes said “You sure about that Buster?”

After 20 minutes of anxious waiting a man with a notepad ambled by our prominent corner booth, muttering something under his breath which sounded suspiciously like Continue Reading

Last year I found out that me old pirate pal Joseph “Foe” Davis were nipping down to Mister Walter Disney’s Swamp of Folly so I begged him to fetch me back a souvenir from that rat-infested land of happiness.

However, to keep him on his toes I challenged Foe to avoid ye olde gift shoppe. Well of course I got busy and forgot all about that challenge until he surprised me at Christmas with the most audacious of gifts… water from the secret pirate springs which feed the Pirates of the Caribbean dark ride, which are said to be from the ACTUAL Fountain of Youth!! That’s right, the water in this vial has coursed for decades through that most famous of pirate rides, past your planet’s most famous animatronic sea-faring ruffians, hidden in PLAIN SIGHT!!

Just LOOK at these here pictures of Continue Reading

Guess what? We have a brand new website!!! It’s hard to believe but the old PiratePalooza has been chugging along for 8 years now!!! For quite a long time we was using my own personal Captain’s bLog here to host the news about my annual invasion of Decatur, which many people like to tag along and watch. But finally we found somebody what knew his URL from his CSS from his PHP from his SQL from his HTMwhatever…. and now there be a brand new shiny website at the main web thingy, www.piratepalooza.com – please Visit the New Website (click here) and have a look for yourselves because I could have bought a car for what that thing cost me… so go and click all over the blasted thing!! And stay tuned in here now, at blog.piratepalooza.com, where I can return to simply talking about any old thing that I takes a fancy to… which mostly means bosoms.

I have recently (5 minutes ago) been made aware of something called “SOPA” which is meant to stop piracy. What a very silly thing. How would giving us pirates a bath stop us? Look man, we LIVE on the wet, wet ocean* so what good would that do? Would a clean pirate be any less drunk on rum? Would a drunk pirate be any less fascinated with breastie dumplings? What be up with all this Continue Reading

In celebration of this weekend’s AnachroCon 2011 “Southern Steampunk Symposium” we’ve decided to run a story that was recently submitted by Captain Drew, inventor of the rPhone. We ordinarily edit most the Captain’s story for brevity and reading comprehension, but it was his special request that this story be allowed to run in its unedited state “for the sake of all of them steamboat people”. (Our apologies go out to all of you Steampunk faithful, and to our friends over at AnachroCon (Feb 25-27), you know how Continue Reading